as anyone who knows us well will be aware, we’re kind of fucking obsessed with claw machine (by sloppy jane and phoebe bridgers). it just hits.
but my heart is like a claw machine
its only function is to reach
it can’t hold on to anything
no, i can’t hold on to anything
when you have borderline personality disorder it’s really easy to believe your whole personality is determined and experienced through the lens of that disorder. there’s a narrative around personality disorders now that holds you can never really recover fully from them – only learn to manage symptoms.
one such symptom is an intense, overwhelming, and often entirely unreasonable belief that you will be abandoned. that everyone you love is temporary, and that eventually they’re going to leave. it can be… really hard to grapple with – and it’s easy to believe that because everyone’s going to leave eventually, you’re better off scaring them away first, so you’re at least prepared for it. so you know why it happened, instead of always wondering what the last straw was.
i’ve always connected a lot to the quote from infinite jest, by david foster wallace. there’s a gorgeous hand burnt text on silk velvet version of this quote (pictured below), though i’m not sure of the original artist, that we have always held close to our collective heart.
point being, however, that no matter the intensity of a relationship, no matter how close you think you are to that person, eventually they’ll leave, and it will have been your fault. you can’t hold onto anything without hurting it. and that means you’ll always, inevitably, lose it.
there is something fundamentally wrong with you. you’re rotten all the way down to the core.
when my best friend started driving
we never went to class
the worst part of the car crash was
talking to her dad
i said i wasn’t scared
but i was thinking it
you know it’s a mistake
when it’s me who’s making it
it’s always the wrong thing
when it’s me who’s saying it
it’s not true, of course. but god, it’s so easy to believe it is. claw machine gets that. so yeah – it’s a good song. there’s more i could say – this is an insanely ramble-y and disjointed little spiel. but i wanted to get something down on (digital) paper, to show my appreciation for it in some small way. maybe one day i’ll talk more about this, speak more coherently and in a more structured manner. that day is not today.
listen to claw machine. maybe even watch i saw the tv glow, if it doesn’t make you dissociate so badly you have to stop watching, like us.
art can be so beautiful.
safe haven 